TITLE: Transylmania
STARRING: Oren Skoog, Paul H. Kim, Irena A. Hoffman, Patrick Cavanaugh, Natalie Garza, Nicole Garza, Tony Denman, Jennifer Lyons, Patrick Casey, Worm Miller
DIRECTOR: David and Scott Hillenbrand
STUDIO: Film Rock
RATED: R
RELEASE DATE: December 4, 2009 (Theatrical) April 26, 2010 (DVD)
RUN TIME: 92 min
I never thought I would pine for a parody film such as Date Movie, but that’s how I felt after watching Transylmania. It isn’t that Date Movie is particularly good in any aspect so much as it is at least attempts to parody specific movies and the genre in general. Transylmania doesn’t even attempt to parody the horror movie genre or vampires in general.
The movie opens simple enough, a group of college friends are traveling to Romania to spend a semester studying overseas. While on the train, we learn the back story of the school, Razvan University, where hundreds of years ago the vampire, Radu (Oren Skoog), lost his love, the sorceress Stephanie. A vampire hunter trapped her soul in a music box and Radu swore to return to his castle only when the box has been found.
While on the train we also learn about the group friends and who they are. There’s Danni (Natalie Garza) and Lia (Nicole Garza), the twin sisters. Lia is dating Pete (Patrick Cavanaugh), who loves to smoke pot with Wang (Paul H. Kim), and Newmar (Tony Denman) is a jock that can’t last in bed, ironically dating the nympho cheerleader Lynne (Jennifer Lyons). Rusty (Oren Skoog) is dating Draguta (Irena A. Hoffman) online as she is from Romania.

Photo from rottentomatoes.com
That is as interesting as the characters get which isn’t terrible, if they were going to parody the horror genre and vampires. All the archetypal characters are there and during the train ride I was already trying to pick out who would die. Unfortunately, none of this happens. What seems like a horror parody is really just a low brow frat comedy that happens to take place in Romania with some vampires running around, and worst of all, nobody dies.
The comedy in this movie is horrid and amounts to things like horses that fart whenever the school name is said, the predictably ditzy blonde that can’t figure out what is happening, and outdated jokes about the greatness of American denim jeans in the old soviet bloc. The gluttony of sex jokes range from the guy who lasts two seconds to making fun of a guy that accidently made out with a transsexual. The most horrific thing that happens is some Looney Tunes-esque humor, such as pulling an arrow out of your leg to only have a fountain of blood spray out.
None of the humor works and the story is devoid of any creativity. Before the potheads do anything, they seem to smoke and this adds nothing to movie. It isn’t played off as funny; they act the same and it does little create characters of any interest. Before they do anything they could have put on sunglasses and it would have accomplished the same feat.
And just as the potheads elicit the same acting whether high or not, the acting is bad overall. I wouldn’t necessarily blame the the actors though, as the script and directing leave a lot to be desired. But that is really the main problem with this movie, it seems like everyone involved either doesn’t know what they are doing or they simply phoned it in. It doesn’t matter which way it is, as the film is barely watchable.
RATING: 0/10