Blatant Insubordination: Dating Tips For Superman
1. Lois Who?
Last week, it was made official. The Superman/Lois Lane marriage is officially over in September. Personally, I’ve got mixed feelings about the whole thing, especially considering the direction they’re taking the character in. But it’s not like I’ve got a vote. Come to think of it, it’s not like ANY of the fans got a vote…
Either way, Superman is single again. What are the odds? Superman, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Hugh Hefner all wind up back on the market around the same time! Ladies, you are NOT ready…
But is Superman ready? He’s always been pretty monogamous, hasn’t he? In high school he had Lana Lang, then he moved to Metropolis and was with Lois Lane, then he married her…and that’s it. Not a very extensive resume, is it? You’d expect more from a guy who’s been around for over 70 years.
What I think Superman should do is try to appeal to the average woman a bit more. In Action Comics, Grant Morrison is putting the character in jeans and work boots, along with a t-shirt with the “S” logo on it, and the trademark cape. Remember when you were a kid, and your mom would tie a sheet or some kind of cloth around your neck and let you wear it like a cape? That seems to be the look Superman’s going for. Personally, I think he should lose the cape, slap on a cowboy hat, and try to appeal to all those chicks who dig burly country music stars. Look into the crowd at any Kenny Chesney concert, and you’ll see at least a hundred chicks wearing straw cowboy hats and daisy dukes. Why? Because just like little boys love to pretend to be superheroes, grown women love to pretend to be cowgirls. Hey, I don’t pretend to understand it.
Superman could also go the sexy vampire route. Apparently, they’re playing this new version of the character up as more of a brooding, isolated outsider. Isn’t that what Robert Pattinson does in those Twilight movies? Superman could do that, right? After all, they’re trying to bring in new readers…
Oh God…what have I done???
2. R.I.P. Amy Winehouse
I came home from work last night to find out that Amy Winehouse had died of an apparent drug overdose. That’s a tragedy in the true sense of the word.
No, I don’t mean because she was a musician who could have had a great career. In all honesty, I was never an Amy Winehouse fan. I don’t have anything against her music, but I never really took the time to listen. Perhaps that’s my loss. But to me, the music is secondary. What sticks out in my mind is the fact that Amy Winehouse was 27 years old. Musician or not, this woman had the majority of her life ahead of her.
You know what’s really spooky? Amy Winehouse is now a member of the dubious “Forever 27 Club,” i.e. a list of famous/influential musicians who’ve died at that age. It’s even the subject of a comic book from Image. Among those in the club: Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison and Kurt Cobain. Apparently, #27club was trending on Twitter yesterday. On the surface, the whole thing sounds like a bizarre coincidence. But then again…
It’s difficult for me to try and analyze something like this. Firstly, I’ve never had a problem with addiction or drugs, unless you count cookies and comic books (did I mention I’m 8 years old?). So it’s not really my place to try and talk about someone else’s problems, famous or otherwise. Also, everybody’s different. What effects one person won’t necessarily effect another.
However, because I’ve been on a bit of a Craig Ferguson kick lately, and he DOES have a history with substance abuse, I thought I’d share this little gem with you. It’s a monologue of his from 2007, and it strikes a few of the same chords as this Amy Winehouse story, especially when you consider how much of her struggle was public knowledge.
For whatever reason, I’m ALWAYS the last to know those types of things. There must be something about my face that makes women reluctant to tell me they’re with child. Maybe they’re afraid I’ll transmit my geek vibes into their womb and turn their son into a cape-and-spandex craving mouth breather. Or worse, a woman who might date a cape-and-spandex craving mouth breather!
I did have an idea she was pregnant before I was told, though. She’d started wearing maternity pants. But somehow, I couldn’t get up the courage to just ask her about it. I can’t see myself ever being able to walk up to a woman and just ask if she’s pregnant. You run the risk of her just staring back at you and saying: “No, asshole.” I couldn’t live with myself if that happened. Plus, this is my BOSS. That’s a hell of a note to have on your annual evaluation sheet…
I did, however, hear a pretty good joke out of the deal. I was telling one of my buddies about it, and he came back with: “Yeah, now you can sleep with the boss and not have to worry about her getting pregnant!”
Front page image from comicsalliance.com. Robert Pattinson image from newmoonmovie.org. Amy Winehouse image from starstrip.tv. Pregnancy image from digitaljournal.com.