***“B Movie Blastworks” is a regular column published on Primary Ignition, written by Mark Leja, staff writer and Connoisseur of Crap, in which he scours the bowels of the internet for unsung B-Movie gems.***

TITLE:Devil Girl from Mars
STARRING: Patricia Laffan, Hugh McDermott, Adrienne Corri, Hazel Court
DIRECTOR: David MacDonald
STUDIO: Danziger Productions Ltd., British Lion Films
RATED: NR
RUN TIME: 77min
RELEASED: 1954

There aren’t many movies that leave me speechless. This isn’t one of them. Known for being one of the most enjoyably bad films of all time, I have to agree. This movie sucks.

The premise goes like this: A war between genders on Mars leaves the male population almost completely destroyed. Now a Martian Dominatrix is sent out to harvest other male specimens for reproduction. This can also be the plot for a hardcore porn.

The film starts with a bang, like literally; an airplane blows up. We are introduced to Drunk #1, Drunk #2, Drunk #3, a professor and the women. They all have names, but as in most B-movies, they’re mostly John Doe’s and Mary Sue’s. After an Act One more profoundly stupid then a game of hide and seek played with blind people, we get to the Martian invader.

Of all the intellectual centers of the world: Tokyo, Dublin, Berlin, Washington D.C., the restaurant at the other end of the galaxy, etc, she lands her UFO near a Scottish Pub. Her feminine instincts have told her: “Find drunk dudes to bang.” She invades the pub, claiming the beer in the name of Mars. The cast cowers in fear of her caulk dispenser ray gun.

She then layers on the hurt with more anecdotes about how advanced Mars is and how great it is. Hey, if Mars is so great, then when the whole gender war thing started up did anybody think “if one of us wins, what happens if the other is completely destroyed?” It’s wouldn’t be a case of shooting yourself in the foot, it’s like putting your face in the deep fryer at Wendy’s.

She decides to show off the latest in Martian technology, her robot. We’ll call him Robbie. Robbie appears and dear Lord I cannot describe this thing. It’s just, it is what it is. Like the torso, it’s so hugely disproportional. It’s lazy, shabby and damn it, generic. If you want to get the real experience just watch the movie.

More and more useless scenes pile on about how helpless the humans are, until the main character, if he can be called that, bravely nabs the robot control from the Dominatrix’s hands. She takes it back. Why the hell was that even in the movie?

Back to the cowering Scottish people. The Martian tells of the man’s failure to control Robbie and will now kill everybody. The professor deems himself worthy of survival, but she doesn’t care, it’s just another trick she says. The drunks all demonize his action. He says if he can get onboard he can wire the ships nuclear atomic super reactor to overload and explode. Well, she decides he is her best possible option so she lets him on board and takes off. Her craft explodes in the cheapest effect ever shot on cinema. What a conclusion.

Devil Girl from Mars is mostly known for appearing in about three seconds in Rage Against The Machine’s music video for “Testify,” as well being shamelessly stupid. The Martian looks like Magneto on a strict budget. The robot is the best part; seriously, see the film just for that. It’s boring, ridiculous, over the top and at only 77 minutes, you can’t go wrong.

RATING: 6/10

Front page image from wrongsideoftheart.com, interior stills from dcairns.files.wordpress.com.