By Justin Polak
Co-founder, Ambassador to the Mushroom Kingdom

If you somehow haven’t seen Rebecca Black’s “Friday” video, educate yourself by watching the video below.

As I am one of the many to browse the internet too much for my own good, I inevitably ran across one of the latest popular videos. After watching this video during my nightly internet patrol and waiting for the ambien and vodka to assist me to sleep, these are several theories I have come up with concerning this music video.

1.) Rebecca Black thinks she’s in a TV show.

I knew nothing about this girl when I first watched this vid. I honestly thought I was watching a promo for a new Teen Nick show. When I realized this was a typical  music video for a pop song, it was obvious to me what was really happening. Poor Ms. Black is a victim of The Truman Show Delusion, a disorder where someone is convinced that their life is a reality TV show. In a radical form of therapy, Black’s friends and family gathered enough funds and resources to have her shoot a music video. The theory is that if Rebecca was allowed to fully embrace her schizophrenia, she would snap back to the real world.

2.) Rebecca Black suffers from depression and is deluding herself.

Hey, it takes one to know one. Every single time I want to feel cool, I just imagine all my friends rolling up in a convertible which I also have to make the difficult decision of sitting in the front or backseat. Then I wake up in my own vomit the next day after a night of boozing/drugging it up because I have no friends. I proceed to drive towards work in a hallucinogenic state where I believe I am flying the Battlestar Galactica. Rebecca Black is not so different from myself. She may be smiling and laughing, but underneath it all is a tortured soul that knows nobody really likes her. Look at the picture for this point! She’s drugged out of her mind and that kid wants to blow his fucking brains out!

3.) That asian kid at the party is the most realistic thing about this video.

If you ever been to any party you always notice that one Asian kid that is there, but nobody really knows him. You may seem him talking to a couple of people, but he awkwardly sits in the same spot. You watch him get shot down girl after girl as he tries to look comfortable examining a plant. You almost feel sorry for him, but talking to the poor kid might risk your own fragile popularity, so you refrain from speaking to him. The whole night you sit there eyeballing him just waiting for him to start doing karate or something. Oh relax, I’m just joking. The real reason he’s there is because he’s escaping another weekend of his overbearing parents making him do math.

4.) Rebecca Black is really a robot.

If I am wrong about the young lady being depressed and on drugs, then my other theory is that she’s really a robot. Oh sure, you think he singing is the worst case of autotune you ever heard since she sounds like the child from Small Wonder, but the music industry has been suffering for years and the only logical step from manufacturing pop music is manufacturing the pop star itself. In fact, I bet this has been going on for years! How else could Mick Jagger and Kieth Richards still be “alive?” In all my years watching sci-fi, one key thing I have learned is that fooling a human with a realistic robot isn’t hard if it is possible. Terminator or Cylon, anyone? Yes, building a robot would be expensive, but if you manage to turn out a hit single or two, you’ll make your money back and then some! Insert your own Justin Bieber joke in this last sentence.

5.) The rapper dude stole Rebecca Black’s family car and is constantly urinating in it.

I honestly can’t think of another reason why this man is in this video. He’s not even on screen for more than 20 seconds! I only get the urine vibe since I can’t pin what he is doing with his damn face.  Well, that and I am guilty of stealing cars while defecating in them myself. It’s a shame for me to admit this, but that’s how I got my 7th DUI. Yes, I have an excellent lawyer.  Anyway, he seriously breaks the flow of the song, which is an accomplishment in itself, and appears out of nowhere. Upon first viewing the video, there is no way anyone can see this segment coming. I have nothing against rap or rappers that decide to pee somewhere where little girls have been, with the exception of R. Kelly, but this might be the most puzzling aspect about this music video to me.

6. Rebecca Black is in hell and sent the video from the Depths of it.

This isn’t going where you think it is going. It’s far too easy to say that this kind of music must be played in hell 24/7. Allow me to take a slightly easier route. I believe most pop music is created in hell as an easy and convenient way to trick the masses into getting a ticket to its front gate. You might note the screen shot I have next to this point is slightly off. I assure you that I have not Photoshopped that screen cap. I honestly took random screen shots and what you see is the result. I think the lighting in this scene is a dead give away. What else could hell look like? Another way to prove my point is just listening to the way she says, “Friday.” I guess I know what it would sound like if the lady at my DMV started to spontaneously sing.

7.) Rebecca Black time traveled to the past to convince Ice Cube to make family friendly material.

The first part of the plan was to inspire him to make Friday, of course. All joking aside, in an alternate timeline Ice Cube’s popularity grew far too big, but stayed with his gangta rapping roots. When I say big, I mean BIG. He made the popularity of Dethklok seen in Metalocalypse seem garage band-like in comparison. As a result, the world fell into chaos as most everyone tried to emulate a gangsta mentality. Rebecca Black, checking herself before she wrecked herself, traveled to the past where she showed Ice Cube how the world would turn out. Ice Cube, horrified by the events to come went on to make the Are We There Yet? series to ensure his popularity wouldn’t get out of hand. To further close the deal, Ice Cube has been allowed to keep a sizable portion of his income from the alternate timeline so he won’t be tempted to gain the dangerous popularity that he is capable of.

8.) We have all been trolled.

At the end of the day, I refuse that music this bad was created on accident. Pop music has tended to scrape the bottom of the barrel for the last ten years, but this is seriously trying my fucking patience. Over the years, I have learned to ignore or laugh off sensations like Justin Bieber, the Jonas Brothers or some random person to come off of American Idol. I know lyrics in some music get pretty awful. Even bands I adore sometimes have very weak lyrics, but most of “Friday” sounds like some nonsense, well, a young girl would make up while walking home from school! I must conclude that Rebecca Black is the ultimate troll, and she crafted a song in such a perfect way to annoy a great number of people. You may laugh at the absurdity of this song and video like I did, but she’s the one currently laughing her way to the bank.