***Comic books from the ’30s, ’40s, ’50s and ’60s tend to provide us with moments like that. Either a slang term meant something back then that it doesn’t now, or writers were simply under pressure to make stories lighter and less “explicit” (that was the case during the mid-20th century), or it’s simply a matter of stories being written in a different time. Retro comic books provide us with the occasional dose of unintentional hilarity. It is with that lovingly playful mindset that I bring to you: Comic Book Bloopers.***

By Rob Siebert
Edtior, Fanboy Wonder

In 1958, DC Comics began publishing Superman’s Girlfriend Lois Lane. When it began publication, the title was mostly focused on Lois Lane trying to persuade, trick, or even downright blackmail Superman into marrying her. That’s just how a lot of chicks rolled at DC in the ’50s. Batwoman wanted to marry Batman, Bat-girl (who at the time was Bette Kane, not Barbara Gordon) wanted to be with Robin, Lana Lang also wanted to be with Superman, etc. This was done partially to give superheroes an American family-type dynamic in the wake of Seduction of the Innocent by Frederick Wertham, which claimed among other things that  Superman was a facist, and Batman and Robin were gay. The irony there is that the heroes would almost always resist the marriage proposals and advances of these women. Which kind of goes against the idea of portraying them as straight, red-blooded American men…

But you know what? I’d have turned them down too. At least if they’d acted like THIS…

"Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane" #131. (Click image to enlarge)

Okay, I don’t follow the logic here at all. Lois says: “Superman — You’ve got to marry me! There’s my child!” She’s pointing to what appears to be a giant child in tights. But my question is, how does that obligate Superman to marry this woman? She’s the one who chose to adopt a giant child from…giant child land. That’s assuming she adopted him, mind you. She might have been hiding him for years. Which begs the question: How do you hide a giant kid? I mean, where does the poop go? Where do you find tights that big?

He does look a LITTLE bit like Superman though. Remember, they did sleep together in Superman II.

But the cycle of weird continues…

(Click to enlarge)

Here we have Superman fighting a stocky man who appears to be wearing a ripped off Reverse-Flash outfit, with a gavel where the insignia should be. And in the foreground you’ve got Lois saying: “Beat him Superman — or I’ll  have to become his wife!” Okay, AGAIN with the faulty marriage logic. Did Lois just slip Reverse-Flash a hundred and say: “Look, I need you to do me a solid. Just vibrate through his punches so he can’t hit you. Oh, and wear this gavel sticker thing. It’s gonna be great!”

Also, why do the characters look so much thicker on this cover? If you look at Superman, you see he looks a bit stocky himself. Yet Lois looks pencil thin because…well, because she’s a woman. That’s the simple truth of it.

(Click to Enlarge)

Wasn’t this an episode of I Love Lucy?

In an attempt to win Superman over, Lois tries to cook…*ehem*…”super-steak” for him. “Super-soup” is also on the menu apparently. Where do you get super-steak from, anyway? Are there super-cows? Hey, we’ve had super-dogs and super-cats. I think there was even a super-chimp, wasn’t there? How far-fetched is a super-cow? And if you drink milk-from a super-cow, your bones become super strong. Incidentally, I think super bones are where super-soup comes from. See? It all ties together.

Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane #9 (Click to enlarge)

FINALLY! Lois Lane teams up with Pat Boone! To hell with everybody else, THIS is the greatest team up in the history of comics, right here! Yes, Lois enlists Pat Boone to write a song about Superman, but for some reason Superman has to prevent it from becoming a hit. Why, though? What’s the harm in a song? Judging from the cover, apparently the include: “Come sing a song of Superman!” I mean, that’s…catchy. Right?

Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane #13. (Click to Enlarge)

I don’t know WHAT the hell is going on in this one. Lois is apparently leaving Metropolis, and is embarrassed. But…why does she stick her head in a box? Doesn’t that seem a bit, I’unno, childish? I especially like the strategically placed hole where the person’s mouth should be. The Justin Timberlake “D*** in a Box” jokes just write themselves.

"Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane" #32

Now THIS is downright bitchy. Remember in Mortal Kombat, when you had those “Babetalities” that could turn your opponent into a baby? Lois essentially does that to Superman here, forcing him to get her scoops for stories in exchange for the antidote. Was there breast-feeding involved? Probably not, what with the super-breath, but STILL. And on top of that, she makes him wear a bonnet. “Yeah, I’ve only saved the world about 5,000 times. Thanks honey, you’re DEFINITELY the one for me.”

After all this crap, any man would get fed up. But remember, this is Superman we’re talking about. He’s got options. He could…

"Superman's Pal Jimmy Olsen" #21 (Click to enlarge)

Marry her off to Jimmy Olsen…

"Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane" #84 (Click to enlarge

…Throw the bitch in prison, OR….

"Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane" #102 (Click to enlarge)

…just straight up MURDER her.

Personally, I’d rather not go into which one I would do. But let’s just say there’d be blood involved…lots of blood. Plus tears, and lots of screaming. Deep, agonizing screams…

Jimmy Olsen, you’re in for one hell of a honeymoon!

Front page image from filmdrunk.uproxx.com.
Click here for The Joker’s edition of Comic Book Bloopers.

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