***Blatant Insubordination is a regular column published on Primary Ignition by Rob Siebert, editor and fanboy wonder. The views expressed herein are his, and do not reflect those of Primary Ignition or its staff.***

Almost every girlfriend of a pro wrestling fan has been there. The two of you are spending a lovely, quiet evening at home. She’s brought home a movie for the two of you to snuggle up and watch together. It’s going to be an intimate, relaxing evening…

After you’re finished watching pro wrestling.

I imagine it’s a source of frustration for a lot of girls who’d rather subject us to another horrible Katherine Heigl movie. I subject my girlfriend, Lora Van Marel, to at least 30 minutes of a wrestling show every couple of weeks. She tolerates it, and once in a blue moon she’ll even be intrigued by it. But I’ve been told, in no uncertain terms, that she’d never take an interest in it by herself. That’s fair enough, I suppose.

I think the thing about pro wrestling is you either get it or you don’t. Lora doesn’t get it. So it’s funny to hear the things that come out of her mouth during an episode. During our last venture into the ring, she for some reason decided that John Cena is “an oddly shaped person.” I think it was something about his head being too small for his heavily muscled body. In contrast, my bulbous head is too big for my average body, but she never says a thing about that.

Last night, Lora and I watched a portion of WWE Friday Night Smackdown‘s live debut on SyFy. We got to see Cena, The Undertaker, The Nexus, and several other mainstream wrestlers do their thing.

If you’re not a big wrestling buff, you can go to WWE.com to see photos from this episode, and get a little more photographic reference for what we’re talking about.

The interesting thing about Lora is that she seems to have a soft spot for The Nexus, who were on hand at Smackdown to serve as lumberjacks in a “Lumberjack Match” between John Cena and Kane. Observe…

Photo from fanpop.com.

* “I don’t like how [Wade Barrett] says ‘premiere.’”

* ”There they are with no pants! I didn’t think I’d ever say this, but I wish they’d take some fashion tips from John Cena.”

*”I want them all to line up and sing I’m a lumberjack and I’m okay. And [Wade Barrett] even has the accent for it! This is an excellent plan!”

* “I’m so disturbed by their hairless bodies. Men are not supposed to be hairless.”

* “They’re like a rainbow of humanity. They’re all different colors and races. They’re very multi-cultural, The Nexus.”

* “When Nexus keeps their shirts on, they look like giant babies. They look like babies with diapers on.”

Photo from wrestlingrevealed.com

Lora also wasn’t a big fan of Jack Swagger coming out in a majestic robe, with an eagle mascot he called the “Swagger Soaring Eagle.” Thankfully, Edge interrupted him.

* “He is wearing a cape from Ol’ King Cole…with a leotard!”

* “Is Swagger his real last name?”

* “I like that [Edge] wearing a t-shirt with himself on it. That is so narcissistic. I think he could be a little more creative. But at least he is dressed appropriately in pants.”

* “The eagle is humping the air! Did you not just see that?”

She also had various other notes throughout the show…

* “Why are they on SyFy? What’s up with that?”

* “Michael Cole is wearing a yellow shirt?I hate yellow dress shirts. They make me think of Dwight from The Office. He always wears mustard yellow shirts.”

* “Cody Rhodes is teaching you how to put on deodorant, and then he’s smiling at himself because he’s proud he accomplished such a difficult task!”

* “I like Big Show. I feel like he’s a big teddy bear, and I just want to give him a hug.”

* “CM Punk looks like a crack addict.” (She didn’t know he’s actually straight edge.)

* “Apparently CM Punk warming up his wrists before the match didn’t help him much.”

* “I feel like Alberto Del Rio should be on the cover of a romance novel. He just oozes cheese. Plus, his hair is greasy.”

* “Whoa, look at Rey Mysterio’s pants. It’s like he’s got a trash bag on one leg, and a poncho on the other.”

* L: “Why is Randy Orton shiny?”
R: “They probably oiled him up.”
L: “That’s gross. I don’t like shiny men. Do other men find them appealing? Then why make them shiny?”

* “Cody Rhodes’ silver boots make me think of a fairy. He’s like Tinkerbell.”

Paul Bearer. Photo from WWE.com.

Finally, Lora was exposed to the legendary wrestling duo of The Undertaker and his manager Paul Bearer. Bearer was of course carrying his trademark urn, a symbol of Undertaker’s power and strength.

* ”Paul Bearer looks like he’s smelled something horrible.”

* R: “Do you know how old The Undertaker is?”
L: “60?”
R: “…..”
L: “What?”
R: “45.”

* ”It’s like Paul Bearer’s face is made of clay. You smoosh it in the wrong direction, and you get that.”

* ”Wouldn’t it be funny if there were cookies in Paul Bearer’s urn? If that were just his little cookie jar, and during the match he just decided to open it and have a cookie.”

Ah, the uninitiated. By the way, kudos to Lora for figuring out that the frantic typing I was doing during the show was me recording the things she was saying.

Rob