***Blatant Insubordination is a regular column published on Primary Ignition by Rob Siebert, editor and Fanboy Wonder. The views expressed therein are his, and do not reflect those of the staff of Primary Ignition.***

THINK FAST! Which Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles video game was the best?

Well, actually that would be Turtles In Time, a Super Nintendo game distributed in 1992.

Um…alright, THINK FAST AGAIN! Which game laid the groundwork for Turtles In Time, and every Ninja Turtle game thereafter?

That would be Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Arcade Game, developed by Konami and released as a coin-operated arcade game in 1989, then updated and re-released on the original Nintendo system in 1990.

In its heyday, this game kicked ass in every sense of the word. Whether you were playing with your buddies at a Chuck E. Cheese, or going solo at home, it was the original adrenaline-pumping, pizza-scarfing, foot-soldier-stomping, beat-em-up action thrill ride. If you didn’t love this game, check your lineage, because you’re probably a Nazi, a Soviet, AND a member of the Taliban.

It was released at the height of the first generation of the TMNT fandom. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movie came out the same year, the cartoon was in its fourth season, and the endorsement deal with Pizza Hut was paying off in spades.

In spite of how awesome this game was, you never heard anybody giving it the credit it deserved as an educational tool. Don’t look at me like that. It’s true! Parents always ganged up on action hero franchises like the Ninja Turtles because they thought the only thing they promoted was mindless violence and bad jokes. And okay, the bad joke thing was true (it was the ’90s, what do you expect?). But much like Super Mario World and Final Fantasy VII, this game provided me with some fundamental life skills that I use to this day.

So pull out your solid-colored headbands, sharpen your katana blades, and order a pepperoni and pickle pizza. It’s time for some educational ass-whooping!

1. Product Placement Works…Kinda
By 1990, product placement was already a staple in movies and television. But Ninja Turtles: The Arcade Game was one of the first video games to utilize it. The natural plug for the Turtle franchise was, of course, Pizza Hut. In the cartoon, the Turtles ate pizza and…nothing else. That was it. And they topped it with the weirdest stuff. Peanut butter, marshmallows, mayonnaise, etc (“But no anchovies, and I mean, NO anchovies!”)

In the game, as it would be in many subsequent games, the Turtles re-gain lost health by obtaining pizza boxes, which conveniently have the words “Pizza Hut” on them. But they even went a step beyond that. At any random moment (like the one pictured to the right), you could be walking along in the game, and you’d find a Pizza Hut sign somewhere for no apparent reason. As kids it didn’t phase us at all. In fact, it actually seemed to make the game seem more realistic (relatively speaking). But as adults it’s hilarious, because it’s so unabashedly blatant.

For me, there’s a tragic irony associated with the Pizza Hut/Ninja Turtles team up. Whenever my family ordered pizza, the Turtles were the first thing that popped into my little head. But Mr. and Mrs. Siebert didn’t like Pizza Hut. So we always ordered from a different pizza place.

Today, I believe this would be referred to as an EPIC FAIL.

2. Human/Mutant Turtle Beastality is Acceptable
After the first level, April O’Neil gets kidnapped by The Shredder, as is par for the course in all the early TMNT games. You end up saving her in a parking garage. That location actually makes sense if you think about it. Would you think to look there?

After you save her (from Bebop & Rocksteady or Baxster Stockman, depending on which version your playing), you and April jump in the Turtle Van, and then they show you a picture of her kissing one of the Turtles, saying: “I owe you one.” In the coin version, there’s even a little heart shown.

I owe you one? That’s a little cold. They are TEENAGE Mutant Ninja Turtles after all. And for a chick with an ’80s haircut in a yellow jumpsuit and white boots, April was pretty hot. And how many times did the Turtles save her? I mean, after Princess Toadstool, she was pop culture’s most consistently distressed damsel. After all those rescues, this chick needed to at least put an offer on the table to one of them.

The sheer mechanics of it are mind-boggling, of course. But it had to be done. April wouldn’t have been able to look herself in the mirror if she didn’t do it. But the question is…who got it?

Thankfully, as kids it never crossed our minds. We had bigger things on our minds, like saving the world from a talking brain and a guy with cheese graters on his forearms.

3. We All Get Our Moment in the Sun
Recognize the blue character in the image below? You shouldn’t. He’s Lieutenant Granitor, the second-in-command of Krang’s evil rock soldier army from Dimension X. When Shredder and Krang were deciding who was going to guard the kidnapped Master Splinter, for some reason they said: “No, we need General Traag here. We’re going to let his toadie defend the ninja master.

That seems like a plan that was doomed from the start. But in actuality, it was a great move.

Granitor was horribly underrated as a video game boss. In the NES version, by the time you got to Granitor, fatigue was starting to set in. You’d just busted your ass through a burning building, the streets of New York, the sewers, a dirty parking garage, and a busy highway. All the while fighting foot soldiers trying to slice you with swords, blow you up with dynamite, or run you over with friggin’ cars.

But Granitor didn’t care about the friggin’ cars. Granitor was here to test you, to make sure you were committed to saving Splinter, taking down the Technodrome, and getting your Pizza Hut plugs in. He was a rock soldier that carried a flame thrower. He didn’t even need the flame thrower. Half the time he’d just smack you and you’d fly into the wall. He had the flame thrower as an added FU.

But somehow, when the big upgrade to Super Nintendo game around, Granitor didn’t make the cut. He was nowhere to be found in Turtles in Time. Nobody remembers him. Do a Google Image search for him. You’ll find one image from the old cartoon show, some screen shots from this game, and a custom action figure that somebody made.

In a world of unsung heroes, Granitor is truly an unsung villain. Actually, I take that back. There is one song out there that reminds me of Granitor, and it brings me to tears every time I hear it…

I will remember you…Will you remember me…Don’t let your life pass you by…Weep not for the memories.

That one was for you Granitor, you flame thrower sportin’ lug.

4. Jump Attacks Work The Best
It’s true. Try attacking someone tomorrow. It always works better when you’re jumping.

5. The Only Thing That Matters is the Ending
Shredder always got the top billing in the video games, even though Krang was probably more powerful. Krang was another underrated villain, but we’ll get to him another day.

In this game, Shredder could somehow clone himself at any given time. The number of clones you faced depended on what version of the game you were playing. The NES version only had one clone, then there was another version that had two. The original coin version seemed to have three our four. Either way, it was confusing. For some reason, Shredder also had dark side lightning powers, which turned you into a regular turtle.

The object here was obviously to find the real Shredder and beat him. But what always got to me was the end sequence. After the Technodrome blows up, the credits role, then Shredder appears on the screen with his trademark “HA HA HA HA HA.” Then the Game Over graphic appears.

So you’re telling me that after ALL that, we didn’t even get the guy? The Empire Strikes Back ending had more closure than this! I mean, obviously he’s got to come back for the sequel. But sheesh, can you let us savor the victory we just spent three hours fighting for? At least in Hyperstone Heist (the Sega version of Turtles in Time) we got to see him fall from a skyscraper. That was pretty cool.

The ending aside, you can’t deny the fact that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Arcade Game was a lot of fun, and a staple of early ’90s video games. Play some of the TMNT games that are based on the 4Kids series, and you can clearly see the influence this game  had. It’s the classic Ninja Turtles at their best.

And yes, it must be said…COWABUNGA!

Front page image from toy-tma.com.