“Blatant Insubordination” is a regular column published on Primary Ignition by Rob Siebert, editor and Fanboy Wonder.

Recently, I published a list called What I’ve Learned From Super Mario World. As you undoubtedly know, it’s already become a legendary document in the annals of the world wide web. It’s gotten a reaction not seen since the iconic “2 Girls, 1 Cup” video, which as you recall took home numerous Online Emmy Awards. If I’m not mistaken, Jay Leno read my Mario World story, and his conscious finally caved in. Conan O’Brien is now the host of The Tonight Show again. There’s already a film being made about it starring Stone Cold Steve Austin, Gilbert Gottfried, Dr. Phil and Ice T’s wife…the chick with all the enhancements…what’s her name? Caca? Yeah, her. It’s gonna be great.

But what some people don’t know is that the Mario World story was actually the first of a two-part series I wrote in 1995. The second part was called What I Learned From Final Fantasy VII. Now, you gamers are undoubtedly thinking: “How could he have written about Final Fantasy VII in 1995? It wasn’t released until 1997!” True, but the game broke so much new ground that it actually ripped a hole in the space time continuum and travelled two years into the past. So the game you think was released in 1997, was actually released in 1995. If you think hard, you’ll remember it.

What can I say about Final Fantasy VII that hasn’t already been said? Nothing. But I’ll say some stuff anyway: It revolutionized the video game industry by setting the bar for role playing games, and its storyline, characters and soundtrack transcended the video game industry, and profoundly impacted millions around the world.

All that, and it’s educational too!

Lesson 1: It’s Always Good to Have a Back-Up Plan
The main character in the game is Cloud Strife, a freelance mercenary with a huge friggin’ sword (more on that later). The big bad guy he’s fighting is Sephiroth, an evil silver-haired dude who also has a huge friggin’ sword (more on that later). The story revolves around Cloud and his companions trying to stop Sephiroth from destroying the planet. Among Cloud’s companions are Tifa, his provocatively-dressed childhood friend, and Aeris, the angelic flower girl who it turns out is the key to stopping Sephiroth.

You don’t have to look very hard to see the love triangle going on with Cloud, Tifa and Aeris (or Aerith, which is what the game’s Japanese creators actually named her, but somehow it got changed in the American version). Tifa clearly has strong feelings for Cloud, but Cloud and Aeris spend a lot of time flirting. They even go on a date at one point. Aeris has a very sweet, warm-hearted nature. Tifa is the same, but she’s also a strong-willed fighter, so it’s less pronounced. Cloud and Aeris seem to have a bond that is destined to last forever, and become perhaps the first great love story in video game history…

Image from Destructoid.com.

Yeesh…uhh…never mind.

That asshole Sephiroth stabs Aeris through the abdomen, killing her instantly, while Cloud is watching. In terms of how to murder your arch rival’s love interest, Sephiroth gets a 9.5/10 for that one. In addition, he gets a 10/10 on the “Bro, That Wasn’t Cool” scale. Seriously, that’s Cloud’s girl! He didn’t even get to plunge his Meteor into her Lifestream (FF7 fans will get that)! What’s he supposed to do now???

Ohhhh yeah!

I like the Tifa character, but let’s be honest: She was the trashy girl. Yes, she was very nice and all that, but come on…did she really need to fight evil in a sports bra and a miniskirt? Of course not. But with “features” like that, it’d pretty much be a crime if she didn’t.

Cloud initially went for the nice girl. But after the nice girl got stabbed by the prick with the giant sword, he went with Plan B: The trashy girl. It’s a time-honored tradition among men. When you’re down on your luck, or in a dry spell, the trashy girl is there for you. And correct me if I’m wrong…but that is awesome!

So thank you Tifa, for having the guts to be the trashy girl, and the obliviousness to not realize you were someone’s second choice. And hey, trashy girl or not, at least Cloud did better than Sephiroth. All he ever wanted to do was hang out with some weird intergalactic organism, which he called “mother.” Hey, whatever floats your boat there chief…

Image from ScrewAttack.com.

Lesson 2: Getting a Gun Grafted on Your Arm Doesn’t Make You Cool
The charming gentleman on the right is named Barret Wallace. A few years prior to the events of Final Fantasy VII, his right arm was blown off. For some reason, he had a gatling gun grafted in its place instead of some sort of prosthetic. I’m not sure what he was thinking at the time. Maybe that it would be a good way to save money on firearms? Possibly a nice spokesperson gig with the NRA? Who knows? In any event, within the first ten minutes of the game, Barret is introduced as your token shooter character. He’s a mouthy hot-head, who happens to be a single parent. His gun arm packs a nice punch, and he’s handy to have with you in battle…

Later on, you meet Vincent Valentine, who’s been sleeping in a coffin for the last year. He’s the strong silent type, with a cool cape, that can magically transform into monsters when he gets pissed off. His weapon of choice, a simple hand gun. He’s undoubtedly one of the more popular characters in the game. A few years ago, Vincent even got his own title: Dirge of Cerberus: Final Fantasy VII.

Image from CreativeUncut.com.

The moral of this story? Don’t get a gun grafted on to your body thinking you’re going to be all bad ass. Sometimes, it’s as simple as “less is more.” Vincent didn’t need a giant gun to fight the bad guys, and he certainly didn’t need it to impress people. He didn’t give a damn. And in the end, he got the spinoff game. How much do you think it costs to have a gun grafted on to your body? All that money down the drain…

How the hell do you live like that, anyway? How do you make toast in the morning when you’ve got a gun on your arm? Does the gun come with a built in toaster? That’d be the only way you could do it. But even then, how do you open up the bad of bread? You can’t shoot it open. Is there a swiss army knife attachment or something? Maybe instead of a spinoff game, Barret should just come back for a quick Q&A with the fans.

Image from voodoo428.tripod.com

3. Lung Cancer Doesn’t Exist in Video Games
Remember that shot at the end of Ghostbusters, when Ray Stanz lit up a celebratory cigarette after the boys climbed a skyscraper and put an end to Gozer the Gozarian? Cid Highwind does the same thing in FF7. Only he does it after every single battle. Every. Single. One.

In role-playing-games, characters usually have a trademark gesture or motion they do after a battle sequence. Cid’s was to lean his head back and light up a cig. If you look at his head shot on the in-game menu, you’ll see he actually has a pack wedged in his goggles.

I’m not a smoker, but in a sense this is actually kind of cool. It’s a nice little quirk to make Cid stand out from his comrades. To think, in America you can’t even smoke in bars anymore. But still, with all the running that goes on in these games, not to mention all the strenuous fights, you’ve got to wonder how this mofo wasn’t coughing and wheezing the entire time. Do you know how much cardiovascular endurance it must take to fight the evil Shinra corporation? Let alone Sephiroth? Cid’s a freakin’ heart attack waiting to happen.

And yet, somehow when Cloud was out of commission, the team chose him to be their interim leader. That’s like giving the presidency to Dick Cheney or John McCain. Can you follow that logic? Doesn’t make sense to me…

Image from Final FantasyUnion.com

4. It’s Fun To See A Fat Character Made of Old 3D Graphics Hump the Air”
Early in the game, Cloud and Aeris have to infiltrate a gangster’s mansion to obtain some top secret info on the evil Shinra corporation. To do so, they have to try and appeal to the ever-so-horny Don Corneo, who’s looking for his next concubine. The player eventually gets into the Don’s bedroom as either Aeris, Tifa, or a dress-clad Cloud, and gets to watch him…well, air-hump. That’s right, he stands up on the bed and humps the air. He humps to the left, he humps to the right, he humps in the middle. I imagine this is what Tiger Woods did with all those cocktail waitresses he banged. Eventually, the good guys end up threatening to rip Corneo’s balls off and crush them. I’m not joking. That actually happens…

You can’t help but smile. This little game character made of tiny polygons thrusting his crotch at another character. Bowser could never have gotten away with that. Dr. Wily would certainly have lost his license to practice evil medicine. But here’s Don Corneo humping his way to happiness. It’s amazing what you could do in Japan back then that you couldn’t do in America. Our country’s professional mommies got angry when a few red splotches resembling blood showed up in Mortal Kombat. But in Japan, their characters could smoke cigarettes and sexually harass people.

Didn’t the first Tomb Raider come out around this time? Sheesh, let’s put Don Corneo in a room with Lara Croft for three minutes and see what happens…

“Ho ho! A new chickee! Hey baby, wanna see why they call me Tomb Raper?”

5. Sometimes the Sword Makes the Man
Cloud and Sephiroth are our main hero and villain in this game, and if you haven’t noticed, one of the things they have in common is they both have really, really big…swords. Sephiroth has a long, slim one, kind of like an oversized katana blade. Cloud has a big “buster sword” that’s also pretty long, but the blade is also tremendously thick.

The whole thing is a giant penis metaphor if you ask me, which if I’m right, means the scene where Sephiroth kills Aeris by penetrating her with his sword has an ENTIRELY different meaning. But I digress…

Eddie Izzard once said that Darth Vader was only impressive because he had that deep, menacing James Earl Jones voice. If that’s true, the same thing applies to Sephiroth’s sword. Sure, he’s got the black wardrobe going on, along with shoulder pads for some reason. And the flowing silver hair just screams “douche bag.” But he wouldn’t have been nearly as intimidating if he hadn’t had that sword.

“What would happen if someone wounded the planet so badly, it could never heal itself? I’m going to gather up all that spirit energy from the planet, and give it back to mother!”

“Um…dude, did you just come from Hot Topic? Cuz it totally looks like you work there.”

“What? No! I am the great Sephiroth! I shall summon Meteor and make you pee involuntarily!”

“Whatever, dude. You’ve been smokin’ them funny cigarettes, I think.”

Where did he get that sword anyway? They never talked about that in the game. Where do you go when you want a sword that’s as tall as you are?

“You there! Jolly Green Giant!”

“Yes Sephiroth?”

“Can I borrow your nail file?”

“Um…sure. What do you need it for?”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

Ahh…good times.