Blatant Insubordination is a regular column published on Primary Ignition by Rob Siebert, editor and fanboy wonder.

I’m house-sitting for a friend this week. For the sake of anonymity, we’ll call this friend Eric Stuckart. For me, one of the cool things about house-sitting at Eric’s place is that he’s got a Nintendo Wii. We don’t have a Wii at the Siebert household. I only have primitive gaming systems like Playstation 3.

I didn’t bother with any of the newer games. I’ve come to grips with the fact that, with rare exceptions, I suck at modern video games. That’s why you’ll rarely (if ever) see a video game review on this site written by me. Several years ago I tried playing the original Metal Gear Solid, and…well, it didn’t work out.

Image from jellydonut.wordpress.com.

But yet another good thing about house-sitting for Eric is that he’s such a video game nerd, he’s purchased a lot of old school Nintendo games for the Wii.

That’s where Super Mario World comes in. This game is epic, in scope, quality, and player-friendliness. So much so then when you bought a Super Nintendo back in the day, it game with this game. That’s how confident Nintendo was in it’s flagship franchise, and it’s ability to make a good first impression.

This little trip down memory lane has taught me a lot so far. And what kind of writer would I be if I didn’t share them with you…

What I’ve Learned From Super Mario World This Week

Art from 411mania.com.

1. Yellow Capes Are Only Cool If You’re Wearing A Red Shirt
So few of us can rock the yellow cape and make it work. It’s a risky fashion statement if there ever was one. Off the top of my head, I can only think of one person that made it work prior to Mario World, and that’s Robin. I’m talkin’ vintage Robin from the ’40s. But Mario took a risk in this game, and it paid off. I mean, you know he probably took a little flack for it. At one point, I’m guessing one of the Koopa kids probably shouted: “What? You think you’re bad because you’re wearing all three primary colors?” But somehow it just works.

The common factor between Mario and Robin? The red shirt. That’s the only thing I can think of. Look at Luigi. His shirt is green, and he looks like he just escaped from a day care center for man-babies.

That’s why Mario always goes first. You never lead with a man-baby.

2. Turtles Wear Wife-Beaters Under Their Shells
Did you ever notice this? You’ll occasionally see Koopa Troopas doing something without their shells on, and they appear to be wearing boxer shorts and wife beaters. Do Koopas Troopas all come from some trailer park in Arkansas? Is it that hot under those things? You’d figure they’d be used to being in them without having to wear undershirts…

3. Never Tell Michael Crichton or Stephen Spielberg About Your Adventures
You just know that Mario came back from Dinosaur Island, had a few drinks with his buddy Michael Crichton,and told him all about the mess that happened on that island filled with dinosaurs, including the one he rode half the time. Suddenly, Crichton gets this brilliant idea for a book called Jurassic Park, about an island filled with humans and dinosaurs. Then Stephen Spielberg catches wind of it, and makes a hugely successful movie. Mario wasn’t even mentioned in the credits. Not that he needed the money, but it probably would have been nice for him to have a few extra bucks stashed away. Especially since Jurassic Park came out the same year as the Super Mario Bros. movie.

Photo from Babble.com.

4. We Really Need to Keep An Eye on Kate Gosselin
Bowser has 7 children. In this game (as in Super Mario Bros. 3) he gave each of them a castle, on a different part of the island. He also gave himself a castle with his name in big bright flashing letters on it, so we’d conveniently know where he lives.

Kate Gosselin has 8 children. Earth has 7 continents. That means she can send each child to a land mass, with one to add for emphasis. Plus, she’s got to put her own castle somewhere… I’m just saying keep it in mind. I just don’t want to be the guy that says “I told you so.”

Hey, what about the Octo-mom???

5. Music Always Sounds Better Underwater
Whenever there’s an underwater level, the melody just gets so soft, smooth and peaceful. Whoever wrote that song unintentionally found the cure for insomnia. You could have five of those crazy-just-woken-up  Cheep-Cheeps (remember those?) nipping at your feet, and this song would still put you at ease. It’s just too bad it took them that long to write something like that. I feel like if Bowser had heard that song before the original Super Mario Bros., he probably would have re-thought the whole world-conqueror thing. By Mario World, he’d at least have been re-thinking it.

“Eh, you know what? It’s not worth it. Sure, I’m going to need some therapy. And my kids are gonna need electro-shock therapy…but it beats the alternative. And hey, at least I got this cool little upside-down-helicopter clown thing out of the deal.”

6. Mario Was Better Without A Voice
Sorry Italian-Americans, but it’s true. Mario’s voice turned him into something of a giant stereotype. I mean, who says “Mama Mia?” Plus, after they gave him one they had to give one to Luigi, Bowser, Wario, the Princess, even Donkey Kong. Does Donkey Kong even talk? I can only ever remember him doing that gorilla grunt of his. And yet, he has to make some kind of sound, doesn’t he?

Hearing Mario talk was kind of like finding out what your favorite radio DJ looks like. Sure, she sounds like a hot chick, but then you go to the web site and see her picture, and you have to cancel all those stalker-flowers you ordered…

Ah, good times.